It’s rather comical how I’ve been avoiding this blog post. I find it difficult to be honest with where I’m at these days -- there are a LOT of emotions during this transitional period to filter through...and a long to-do list. Somehow amidst the emotions and lists, there is an strong underlying stream of peace and excitement. Normally an event like this would overwhelm and stress me...don’t get me wrong -- I still have my moments -- but overall there is a calm confidence that I am well cared for.
In the last few years there have been wildly long stretches where I found myself holding onto what I knew to be lies, but couldn’t let go of them - thoughts and doubts that festered up. These thoughts seemed so strong and real it seemed how could they not be real? Self doubt, projecting weakness on another, self loathing, pining for other peoples approval and acceptance, blame shifting -- all in all -- pride. In thinking retrospect with a friend the other day, I realized that if this residency position would avail itself 3-5 years ago I would have had a panic attack -- excitement mixed with an unhealthy dose of fear. Was I really worth this? What if I don’t make enough work? What if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t like my work? Or worse yet, what if my audience doesn’t like my work? What if I miss out on my potential? Or disappoint leadership?
Today is different. I know who I am and that I am valuable - and I believe it. Do I still have a TON of growth ahead..yes! Am I still going to fall flat on my face, probably so. Even as I type this I’m striving to remind myself of what I know to be true rather than listening to the fear that so easily festers in. Fear - it can be silenced.
“If you hear a voice with in you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” -- Vincent Van Gogh